Case 666: Link v Ganondorf
by TayteFFN
Summary: A play.OoT Death Note. Ganondorf takes Link to court on grounds of mental instability and hazard to the general public. Link still can't speak properly and his lawyer's missing. Witnesses testifying against Link include Navi, Nabooru, Malon & ZELDA?


**AN1: It's great when you can write fanfiction for homework. This is a _play_ written for a writer's workshop, so it's_ not _a script and _totally _acceptable in FFN. I thought it would be done in 6 pages but...it kept going and going and going on to 17 pages...like the Energizer bunny! Anyway, I really wanted to perform this with my friends but we don't have the time even to make it a puppet show and we're not talented enough to make it an animation. If anyone wants to make this happen in some way/shape/form-heck, even legos!-and post it on Youtube, let me know-I'll be totally ecstatic and would help out if I can. :D**

******AN2: If you know The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time_ really _well like I do, your experience will be enhanced because you will notice how in-depth I got into this. I had to add a cast list and props list anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem. Those are at the BOTTOM to avoid spoilers. Twice the fun for those of you who also know Death Note. Yes I know this isn't mainly DN but just in case you DN lovers knew Zelda, I am posting this in the Zelda section _and _the DN section-because no one goes into the cross-over fic section so... Enjoy!**  


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**Set Description:** stage = average courtroom, audience = jury. Witnesses enter from the side of the defendant so Link's reactions at each could be emphasized.

**Case 666: Link v. Ganondorf**

Palace guard: _[over-energetic soldier who yells everything_] Order! All rise! _(Palace guard hands reports to Judge __**L **__and remains standing uncomfortably close to L__**) **_Judge L! This is case number 666, sir! _Link v. Ganondorf, _sir! (_turns to audience)_ You may be seated.

L: I see. Ganondorf—that's how you pronounce it? All right, what is your purpose?

G: I seek to see Link locked away on the terms that he is mentally unstable _(pause)_, has an already established violent and questionable track record, and will undoubtedly continue along those lines.

L: I see. (_turns to look at PG44_) Palace Guard Number 44, I appreciate your help, but could you please return to your position?

Palace Guard 44_: (Hitler salute)_ Yes, sir!

L: …Right…now Ganondorf, could you please clarify?

G: With pleasure, Your Honor. I am sure I am not the only one to express concern at the fact that, from the moment I saw him when he was, oh nine or something, he has always been armed with a sword. Most citizens of Hylia are not comfortable with preteens carrying sharp, pointy objects of that sort—especially when he makes such liberal use of it. So often it must have crossed their minds: "Where is this delinquent's parents? Why isn't he in school?" More importantly, however, his lack of the ability to verbally communicate in a satisfactory manner is beyond alarming. His every reply, if it is not a nod or the shake of a head or a stab _to _the head consists of yells, grunts, and the occasional sex sounds.

L: Defense, what have you to say about that?

Link: Huh! Hah! HYAAAAH!

G: Point. _(L nods to him)_

L: Defense, did you consider finding yourself a lawyer?

Link: _(nods while saying)_ HAH!

L: _(to G)_ Was that a nod or did his head just buck from the effort it took to pull off that shout?

G: Ask him again.

L: Defense, nod your head if you considered finding yourself a lawyer.

Link: _(nods)_

L: All right, we're making did you find yourself a lawyer?

Link:_ (nod)_

L: Where is he?

Link: (_grunt)_ Nng! Hah! Haiyah! Huh hah huh hah—

L: (_interrupting)_ Sorry, sorry, my mistake. Not a yes or no question. Do you know where your lawyer is?

Link: _(shakes head)_

L: Do you know if he is coming?

Link: _(shrugs)_

G: I didn't know he could shrug.

L: Shut up, I'm not talking to you.

G: Touchy, touchy.

L: _(stops to glare at G before continuing)_ Defense, did you find yourself a translator?

Link: _(shakes head)_

L: Well then, this is going to be a very slow process.

G: Actually, Your Honor, the reason he didn't find himself a translator is because he already has one. Permission to move on to witnesses?

L: Why? Don't we need the translator?

G: My first witness _is _the translator, Your Honor.

L: Well, then, permission granted.

G: Thank you, sir!

_[G sits down on a seat next to the stand. Enter Navi]_

Navi: Hey!

L: So you're the first witness?

Navi: Listen! _(ten second pause_)

L: I'm listening.

Navi: _Finally_! My dream come true! Someone who is actually list—

L: These documents say you are the fairy the Great Deku Tree assigned to Link, yes?

Navi: _(sigh)_ Yes…

L: And you have been with him for the last seven years?

Navi: Not _really, _see, the thing is—

L: What? Please clarify.

Navi: I would if you stop fricking interrupting me every fricking senten-!

L: Now I know you feel strongly about this, but I would advise you to refrain yourself from such vulgarities.

Navi: What! I wasn't even sweari—

L: So you were saying?

Navi: _(stares at him, takes a deep breath and exhales with a growl) A-ny-way_, I'm here to testify against Link and I've got loads of experience to verify that he is _not _a good person.

L: Let's hear it then.

Navi: All right, prepare yourself. In all the time I've actually spent with him, I was trapped in a bottle, trapped in a hat, stuffed through the holes of an ocarina, ignored, unheard, used as fish bait, used as target practice, used as an aiming device, used as a distraction for every monster we encountered, used as a cell phone and a messenger—and he _shot_ the messenger—used as a torch, used as a brain—the only one between the two of us, trust me, I know—used as a translator by _ev-ery-bo-dy_—and _finally!_—used as a glow-in-the-dark sticker for his butt.

L: _Wow._ You two seem very intimate.

Navi: You can say that again.

L: You two seem very—

Navi: Hey! Listen! …Shut up!

L: …All right, to be fair, I have to ask it: Defense, do you have anything to respond to that?

Link: Huh! _(grunt)_ Hah! Hah! Hwah!

L: Translation, Navi?

Navi: He's thanking me for helping him catch the Shiny Magikarp. It evolved into a Red Gyarados yesterday.

L: (_thinking pose_) Oh, is _that _what's going on in Zora's Domain? N-Never mind. Have you anything more to add to that?

Navi: No, Your Honor. Except please, please do justice to the world.

L: I. Am. Justice! …Neeeeext!

_[Exit Navi. Enter Nabooru]_

L: And now we have Nabooru, leader of the Gerudos, right?

Nabooru: That is accurate.

L: But aren't the Gerudos like a…local terrorist organization comprising mostly of the female sex?

G: _OBJECTION!_ …That's not important.

L: (_to Nabooru)_ …I'll talk to you later.

Nabooru: No you won't.

L: We'll see about that.

Nabooru: No you won't.

L: …Anyway…so you were saying?

Nabooru: We the Gerudos would like to charge him with trespassing upon our grounds, assaulting several of our members and kidnapping our guests of honor.

G: Kidnapping…our _guests of honor…_?

Nabooru: _(nods with a sly smile_)

L: When you say assaulting your members, which of you attacked first?

Nabooru: If we saw him coming, we naturally acted to defend ourselves since he didn't belong wherever he was.

L: Which one of you attacked first?

Nabooru: We did.

L: And he won?

Nabooru: Obviously if he released—I mean, kidnapped our prisoners…I mean our guests of honor.

L: That's what I thought. _(high fives Link)_

Nabooru: Excuse me?

L: Well, you're all women, so—

G: (while Nabooru cocks her head in challenge) Objection! Harrassing witnesses!

L: Um…yeah…you're dismissed. Thank you for your testimony.

Nabooru: _(hand signs "I've got my eyes on you" and walks away with attitude)_

_[Exit Nabooru. Enter the 3 Citizens.]_

L: Three citizens of Hyrule. One of you is from the Castle Town, no wait—two. And the other from Kakariko village?

3Cs: Yes, Your Honor.

L: All right, proceed one at a time.

Citizen 1: Yo, Link, honestly, I got no quarrel with you, dude. _(Link gives him a thumbs up)_ I mean, like seriously, I really appreciated your help with my lawn, dude.

L: Citizen Number One, kindly explain what the hell you're talking about.

C1: 'Kay, dude. So it's like, for the last seven years, he's been mowing my lawn for me, y'know? Every Tuesday, three o'clock sharp, man! I mean this guy's _punctual_, and dedicated, y'know? That blue ball that keeps following him around—

L: You mean Navi?

C1: No, I mean the blue ball that follows him around. The one with the wings, y'know?

L: Yes.

C1: Yeah, it talks, dude, like you wouldn't be_lieve_, or at least my mom doesn't. So anyway, he told me—

L: You mean she.

C1 _(hippe guy):_ No, I mean _it_. _It _told me the reason Link kept mowin' my lawn is because he's lookin' for rupees. He even found 'em once, just lyin' on the ground but all covered by the grass, but that's 'cuz it just fell out of my wallet one day, y'know? Thought he'd learn that money didn't grow on trees, but by the fifth time he dropped by I started hidin' rupees in the grass so he'd keep comin' back. I'd leave like ten rupees all around, like a scavenger hunt, and he'd spend an hour mowin' my lawn every week. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened for my lawn too—much better than those "professionals." I mean, sure, he's a catastrophe if you want bushes in your yard, but you know, you gotta make sacrifices, dude. Fact of life, you can't have everything. You gotta make sacrifices.

L: …Right…moving on.

C2 (_fat lady):_ This young man would come into my home in the dead hours of the night and—every single night—he would roll into a crate I have and stole the rupees I leave in there for safe-keeping. Granted, he also brought my dog back to me each time but—

L: Every single night?

C2: Yes, Your Honor.

L: He came into your house to roll into a crate in which you stowed away rupees for safe-keeping, every single night?

C2: That's right.

L: …First of all, why did you keep stowing it away in that crate? And second of all, why did you keep getting yourself a new crate?

Ganondorf: _Objection!_ You are harassing the witness _again_, Your Honor.

L: I'm a detective. Old habits die hard, y'know? …Let's pretend that didn't just happen.

C3: Is now a good time for me to…?

L: By all means, please.

C3: I own the house neighboring the Cursed Skulltula family. Every now and then, this kid used to walk into my house…unannounced, would be a nice way to put it.

L: For the love of Din, Farore and Nayru, Link! This sure is a lot of trespassing here! You'd better have a damn good lawyer…a damn good lawyer that _shows up_ in an hour. I've got to go to a tennis match. Soon.

Link: (_flicks him off)_

L: You are _not _helping your case.

Link: _(takes out bomb and throws it at L)_

L: (_looks at the ball)_ What is it?

G: It's a bomb. And it's unlit.

Link: (_takes out fire arrows) [insert maniacal laughter?]_

L: Guards! Apprehend him!

LG44: _(quickly takes Link's bow and snaps it in half on his knee like Darth Vader's lightsaber in Japanese police vs. Darth Vader, and takes the arrow and throws it offstage. Link is sad.)_

G: As you can clearly see, Your Honor, his reactions are violent more often than not.

L: Palace Guard Number 44, why was he not disarmed? Confiscate all his other weapons immediately!

C3: Can I finish now, or what?

L: What? Oh, you're still here. Okay, so he does a lot of breaking in and entering. Thank you.

C3: I'm not finished yet!

L: There's more? _(looks at list_) Oh man, there's still seven more people to go! Okay, hurry up man.

C3: So he comes into my house, picks up all my pots, and throws them at the walls.

L: …_Why_?

C3: Because he's saving the world from some great evil tyrant_—(Ganondorf coughs)_—heck, _I _don't know! So he's always breaking my pots and denting the walls with them. And sometimes he comes running in with a chicken.

L: A chicken?

C3: Yes.

L: You mean that stuff you get at KFC?

C3: I don't know what KFC is, Your Honor.

L: Never mind. So he comes running in with a chicken.

C3: He comes running in with a chicken, climbs upstairs with it, goes out my back door onto our balcony, and launches himself off and—you know that well right behind our backyard? Yeah, he launches off and tries to drop himself right into the center of that. That's our drinking water, and that's disgusting!

L: Okay, adding "contaminating village water supply" to our list of charges here…anything else?

Citizens: No.

L: Does the Defense have anything to say?

Link: _(dramatic)_ Leave Britney alone! …If you want to her, you have to get through _me_!

Everyone else: _(stunned)_

L: _RE-WIND!_

_[all actions/audio rewinded/done backwards until…]_

L: Does the Defense have anything to say?

Link: Haaayt!

L: Thank you for sharing. All right, and now we have Anju…the allergic caretaker of the chickens… And the carpenters and the potion-maker, all from Kakariko village.

_[exit citizens and enter Anju and the potion-maker]_

Anju: _(hands clasped together—extreme Anju mannerisms) _Um…

L: Anju, what have you got to say?

Anju: He keeps taking the chickens out of the fenced area where I care for them. When he was little… When he was little, he used to _gather_ the chickens for me and I would reward him with rupees and love…but as time went by, something he turned wicked. Then he started to carry off the chickens I corralled and abusing them, forcing them to fly him places.

L: Oh, he used _your _chickens to try to land in the well?

Anju: Unfortunately. He'd be gliding right over my head, too.

L: Where are the carpenters?

Potion-maker: They're too busy fixing a bridge that a rampant Gyarados destroyed last night. But I've got a letter written by the master carpenter here, so...

L: Please read it off.

Potion-maker: Right. "Dear Judge L, first of all, are you related to Teru Mikami?"

L: …No?

PM: "It doesn't matter really. I just wanted to inform you that a couple of years ago, when Link was rambunctious and I wished my carpenters had his energy, he came running into our construction site. He got on top of what little progress we made and _kicked _one of my carpenters off on his launch off of the building while trying to get into the potion-maker's shop. That carpenter broke his arm in the fall since he landed on some stairs, not that he used that arm for much anyway that lazy bag of bones, but I just wanted to let you know that Link might not be all that put together in the head."

L: Wow.

PM: And he _did _get into my shop. Using Anju's chickens he launched himself off a platform of the windmill and landed in _my _balcony and came in through _my _back door, stole several bottles' worth of potions, and before I could catch him, he was not only outside, but he used his hookshot to escape onto my own roof!

L: I don't think it's possible for any lawyer to save you, Link. Who's next?

_[Exit Anju and PM. PG44 takes place on the stand]_

L: What the hell are you doing?

PG44: I am the next witness, sir!

L: You can't be a witness. You're the presiding officer!

PG44: _(Hitler salute)_

L: _(disbelieving face)_ Right, never mind. What do you have to say?

PG44: We have reason to believe that this man attempted to assassinate the princess seven years ago!

Link: Hah!

L: What makes you believe this, Palace Guard Number 44?

PG44: He was caught trying to sneak into the castle into the room of the princess several times, sir! The only reason why we hadn't lost our dear princess is because of her bodyguard Impa, sir!

Link: _(protesting)_

L: I see. "Assassination attempts." A.K.A. treason, right? Isn't that a sentence to hang? Or at least a life sentence…

Link: _(protesting and waving arms and motioning something around "it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong!")_

PG44: That's it, sir.

L: You may step down. Aaaah, and next we have—

Link: _(the higher-pitched pained grunt SFX when he's being choked as he watches the next witness pass by, OR the pained SFX when he jumps from a ridiculously high place and lands on his feet)_

L: …Wow. Princess Zelda.

Zelda: _(takes stand) _I am this person.

Link: _("cussing" at Ganondorf and asking how the heck Ganondorf managed THIS)_

G: Link, I'm afraid you are just a poor, unfortunate soul in the end.

L: Milady, what would you like to share with us?

Zelda: I would like to sue him for saving my life.

L: …I'm sorry?

Link: _(dramatic hands on head, falling to knees, SSBB KO SFX)_

Zelda: Did I not make myself clear?

L: Ha ha, like a bell, milady, but you see…we just received contrary testimony—

PG44: Is this true, milady? This abomination _saved _you?

Zelda: I've had 54 failed attempts at suicide thanks to this man.

PG44: He saved you _54 times_!

L: Shouldn't you be more worried that your princess tried to _commit suicide_ 54 times?

Link: _(keening and wailing)_

L: Oh boy, sounds like a man in love…

Zelda: That is all I have to say. Sayanora…Link. _(takes her leave)_

Link: _(sad Zelda music plays while he reaches out to Zelda passing by with a dramatic hand outstretched)_

L: And next we have…I don't know how to say this name.

_[enter Sheik]_

Link: _(collapses in his stand, apathetic, unable to take it anymore]_

L: So what have you to say?

Sheik: I just hate him. I want something bad to happen to him. That's it. (Throws a Deku nut and says Madagascar Penguin style) You didn't see _a-ny-thiiiiing_. …Huh! (jumps and runs away Naruto style)

L: …O-kaaaay… And now our final witness… Wow, your lawyer never showed up. But our final witness iiiiis…. _(gameshow host-like)_ Malon!

_[Malon takes the stand]_

L: You are Malon, daughter of Talon and current owner of the Lon Lon Ranch?

Malon: And the rightful owner of the horse Epona.

L: All right. What is your complaint.

Malon: …That's it.

L: What is?

Malon: I just said it. Grasshopper over there stole my horse.

L: Right. So now I have to add theft—

_[Enter Light Yagami in suit and tie and with a suitcase]_

Light: OBJECTION!

_[Link stands up, suddenly full of gusto, jumps up and down to FF victory theme while Ganondorf jumps up in shock. L stares at Light posed with his suitcase open with the Objection sign and the fingerpointing.]_

L: Light, what the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for our tennis mathc?

Light: Sorry, Your Honor, for being so late. I am the Defendant's lawyer. _(tightens tie and moves to the witness stand and Ganondorf takes a seat, clearly dissatisfied)_ So you, Miss Malon daughter of Talon and owner of the Lon Lon Ranch, accuse Link of theft of your horse Epona. That is correct?

Malon: Yes.

Light: Can you tell me _when _this event occurred?

Malon: Not ex-_ac-_tly—

Light: You cannot? Well then, were you there when it happened?

Malon: No, of course I wasn't! I'd still have my horse if I was!

Light: So you can't _prove _that Link stole that horse?

Malon: I would have been able to if Ingo was alive!

Light: Who is this Ingo that you speak of?

Malon: He is the hand my father hired, the one who actually worked and took care of the ranch because all _my _father does is sleep all day, that _bum_! …Anyway, I _know _it was Grasshopper because…because…because he murdered Ingo!

L: What?

Link: Hah!

G: Ah HAH! _(jumps up. Light pushes him back down into his seat dismissively.)_

L: A murder accusation? Malon, please continue.

Malon: Well, there was one time I requested him to behead a chicken for me…but I'm afraid he found some pleasure in the act. He came back and, when I was inside the barn—

Light: You have a barn?

Malon: Uh…yes?

L: Light, stop asking stupid questions. All right, continue.

Malon: _(gives him a look)_…Like I was saying, while I was inside milking the cows one day, Link came back and started attacking the chickens. Ingo hurried to him and ordered him to stop, but by then Link had already killed four of them. That's when I heard the call.

Light: You were inside the barn when this happened?

Malon: Yes.

Light: That means you didn't _see _any of this with your own two eyes, yes?

Malon: No, I did not. I used deduction to come to my conclusions.

Light: Then I am very interested in what makes you so sure Link even stepped onto your ranch that day, Miss Malon. Furthermore, I would love to know how you know it wasn't _Ingo _who was attacking the chickens. And assuming Link _was _on your property at this unknown time, and that he _was _attacking your chickens for some almost unknown reason, what makes you think Ingo tried to stop him? I mean, maniac with sword pointlessly attacking chickens—wouldn't the immediate response be to run away?

Malon: Hold on a moment and let me explain before you make me look like an idiot to the jury! May I speak uninterrupted, Your Honor?

L: Permission granted.

Malon: The reason why I know it had to be Grasshopper is because, beyond the fact that he's one of the few mentally deranged imbeciles walking across this land with a sword at hand at all times, _Ingo _was not armed with a sword. The chickens had marks of blades all over them, whereas if Ingo was demented enough to kill the chickens without reason, he would have had to strangle them or drop a giant rock on them or something. But Ingo was not demented. Also, I only taught one person how to control Epona, my wildest horse. He's the only one who knows Epona's song, other than me. Well, and my father, but he was at Kakariko at this time and was too fat to ride Epona anyway, so Epona does not respond to him.

Light: Miss Malon, that all sounds good and well, but do you have evidence to prove the chickens were killed by a blade? Like the actual chickens, for example?

Malon: That's ridiculous. Why would I store the chickens? Are you demented too? I cooked the dead chickens and ate them over the next week and a half! Got sick of 'em too, I'm afraid.

Light: So you don't have any evidence to prove they were killed by a blade? Not even a photograph of some sort?

Malon: I'm a _rancher_. I don't have the money to buy a camera!

Light: That's beside the point, the point that says "Miss Malon does not have evidence."

Malon: You think the fact that Ingo lay dead covered in feathers next to four chickens dead by some blade and my horse suddenly disappearing has no connection?

Light: Why not? Ingo died of a heart attack, the chickens…well, I don't' know what to say about the chickens, but the horse hated you.

L: Light, please refrain from harassing the witness.

Light: Your Honor, _what _witness? She didn't _see _anything!

Malon: But I heard things! Like I told you, I heard the call.

Light: You heard a call.

Malon: Yes, the Call of the Dying Chicken.

Light and L: …What?

Malon: The dying chicken crows one final time and unleashes the Barrage of a Thousand Chickens from Heaven.

Light: …Your Honor, I have reason to believe this woman's mental state is not reliable to be referenced as a witness.

Malon: What? No! Your Honor, he keeps interrupting me!

L: Light, shut up.

Malon: So the Thousand Chickens from Heaven came down and were going to attack Grasshopper, but Grasshopper ran around Ingo and hopped onto Epona and jumped over the fences around my ranch and escaped, leaving Ingo caught in the onslaught of the Thousand Beaks of the Thousand Chickens from Heaven.

Light: And you were in the barn this entire time?

Malon: No, I came out when I heard the call and saw Ingo being attacked, and when the chickens realized they were attacking the wrong man, they subsided and flew away back to Heaven—

Light: The chickens _flew _to _Heaven_—

L: Light, shut up.

Malon: -and Ingo's last words to me were… "I lost the horse…to _Link_."

G: _(to himself)_ Wait a minute…wasn't that the horse Ingo was planning on giving _me_?

Light: But that doesn't connect Link to attacking the chickens. It just connects the horse to Link.

Link: _(face palm)_

G: Well, isn't that what we're trying to do in the first place?

Light: Huh? Oh yeah…I mean-! No, now we have officially cleared Link's name from killing Ingo. You can't prove Link set a bunch of _chickens_ on Ingo! Besides, just because Ingo talked about Link in his final words doesn't mean Link was there just moments before. You still have no proof of that.

Malon: What about the fact that Epona was there before I went into the barn and not when I came out?

L: I think Link is cleared of killing Ingo, Malon.

Malon: _(sigh)_ Oooooh-kaaaaay…. But he stole my horse.

Light: No proof, no proof, no proof! Your Honor, permission to dismiss this witness, _please_!

L: Sorry Malon. Permission granted.

Malon: Hmph!—Wait! Can I at least charge him for my horse?

L: _(checks watch)_ Considering I have 20 minutes to get to my game, no.

Malon: But you're playing against Light! You can't play without him!

L: I'm going to _end _this case in fifteen minutes whether Light wants it to or not.

Light: Damn! I don't have enough time! _(Malon leaves)_ Your Honor, permission for questioning.

L: Granted.

Light: I would like to call on the prosecutor, Ganondorf.

_Ganondorf hesitates._

L: Ganondorf, please take the stand.

_Ganondorf gets on stand, tense._

Light: Before I address you… Your Honor.

L: Yes?

Light: Could you please summarize what charges there are on my client?

L: Oh boy…okay… Ganondorf prosecuted him to be mentally unstable, violent, with a questionable track record, an orphan—

Light: Wait, you can be prosecuted for _being an orphan_?

L: No, that's just the way I wrote it down here.

Light: Oh. Okay, moving on.

L: His verbal communication skills are lacking, and what he does have is intimidating or disturbing, all of it ineffective. Navi accused him of countless forms of abuse, including being trapped and used in various ways. Nabooru accused him of trespassing and kidnap—

Light: Are we really going to trust that witness?

L: Yeah, okay, never mind that. He has been accused of trespassing by three other citizens of Hyrule and the potion-maker and Malon. He has been accused of destruction to personal property by several of those same people, has been accused to kicking a man off a building and causing that man to break his arm, has been accused of theft by several people, of attempted assassination by the Palace Guard 44 but we're going to disregard that… Has been accused of saving Princess Zelda's life…by Princess Zelda...we'll ignore that too. And…Malon said murder…and that guy whose name I can't pronounce just hates him. That's everything.

Light: So in the end it's just trespassing and theft and damage to property?

L: And pushing the guy off the building.

Light: And being an orphan.

L: Yes.

Light: That's horrible!

L: I agree. And I'm hungry.

Light: Then let's wrap this up. Your Honor, I did a background check on our prosecutor and think you may be very interested, for they may undermine his claims.

L: Go for it.

Light: Right…this man, Ganondorf, is the actual leader of the Gerudos, the local terrorist group Nabooru is co-leading. He must be somewhat mentally disturbed. Also, there have been previous complaints against him—the fact that he tried to kidnap the princess seven years ago, resulting in her having to go into hiding for years. He was also related to the Goron incident several months ago. Darunia accused him of setting free Volvogia, the Goron-eating dragon. Then there are the accusations of his unleashing Morpha, which froze the waters of the Zoras. This man nearly caused the extinction of _two _species—genocide, Your Honor! He is a criminal! An abomination to humanity and Hylians and the world alike! What I'm trying to say is…in the end, I don't believe his words are reliable.

L: Prosecutor, what have you to say for yourself?

G: I plead the Fifth.

L: That's not very reassuring. In any case, Light, just because the prosecutor is definitely mentally deranged doesn't make his claims any less valid since I've seen several of them proven. And also, all the witnesses he has brought are… I feel it safe to say at least _some_ of them are sane and regular individuals who just want to live out their daily lives without Link interrupting them.

Light: Then why not just lock _both _of them up?

Link: HAAH!

Light: But please kindly consider Link's history as well. Without any Hylian parents to guide him, he was raised by the never-aging people of the Kokiri Forest. We all know what those people are like… Slightly cuckoo—and it's not even his fault! I believe my client is a victim of the world. He has been forever misunderstood because he himself can't understand the world surrounding him. Instead of being locked away in jail, where he won't improve himself at all and will waste tax money, he could placed somewhere where he will be given the attention he needs to restore him to normal. Some place with speech therapy.

L: That's a fabulous idea!

Ganondorf: Objection! The lawyer and the judge can't be _planning_ the sentence together!

L: Says who? And I don't think the prosecutor can say objection, at least not when he's in the stand for questioning. Oh crap, we've only got seven minutes 'til the game, Light! Let's end this!

Light: Okay!

Link: _(outraged protesting in the background)_

L: I, Judge L, have decided the sentence. Palace Guard 44, we're going to lock that man over there in a mental hospital, this one over here in jail—and this one under top secret investigation. Please arrest them.

_PG44 starts handcuffing Ganondorf and Light._

G: What!

Link: HAA-T! _(throws Deku nut, FLASH, jumps off stand and runs away)_

L: Guard! Retrieve Link!

Light: I'm innocent! _(to the guard)_ The hell are you doing? Let go of me!

PG44: Should I let go of these two to give pursuit? Sir!

L: Damn it…the irony! …Scratch that command.

Light: _ (to L)_ What happened to the game? _(getting dragged away by PG44)_ L, I'm innocent! I'm innoceeeeeeeeeeeeeent!

G: Oh, just shut up. Falcon….PAUNCH! _(punches Light)_

_PG44 drags Light and Ganondorf away._

17

**Cast:**

Defendant: Link, hero of the Zelda games

Prosecutor: Ganondorf, villain of some Zelda games

Judge L: "good" detective from anime Death Note

Lawyer Light Yagami: "evil" God wannabe from Death Note

Palace Guard 44: …self-explanatory

Witnesses:

Navi: Link's fairy

Nabooru: leader of an all-female bandit group (which is actually led by Ganondorf…)

Citizen One: random guy

Citizen Two: the lady from the alleys of Castle Town, the one who keeps losing her dog

Citizen Three: the guy who owns the house near the house of the Skulltulas—with the cow and heart piece in a cage on the second floor…

Anju: allergic caretaker of the chickens, from Kakariko Village

Potion-maker: from Kakariko

Princess Zelda: the princess Link goes on a quest to save. (Not to be entrusted with bows. Ever.)

Sheik: Zelda's disguise

Malon: daughter of Talon, owner of the Lon Lon Ranch

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**Props List:**

Witness's stand

Chair for Ganondorf

Stand for Link

Judge's dais

Link's blue normal bomb

Link's bow and arrow with fake fire on tip

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**Hope you enjoyed! Please review with criticism, whether it is on the handiwork of the screenplay, grammatical errors, ESPECIALLY actions that were unclear...or just let me know what you liked and what didn't rock your socks so much. Thanks for your time!**


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